News: GotchaMovies Movie Review: Avatar
posted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009 - 12:00:00 AM
So after ten years apparently spent at the bottom of the ocean, (where I wish he would have stayed) James Cameron has emerged to grace us with Avatar, a movie that is predictably possessed of mind-blowing visuals and state-of-the-art animation. As a critic, I am legally required to say that he has changed the industry, perhaps using such canned phrases as “James Cameron has revolutionized movies, and set the standard for visuals that—like those set by Titanic—will persist for the next ten years.”
Every critic and their mother has blown their figurative load over the visual effects in this movie, with Wall Street Journal critic Joe Morgentern unironically and with all seriousness punning off the name of the valuable “unobtanium” that is the humans’ obsession in the movie by describing the sense of awe created as “unbelievium”. The effects are the best I’ve ever seen, they do create a powerful sense of awe, and it is next to impossible to not feel physically transported to this alien world.
But let’s pretend that we all want silly, womanly things in our movies like a coherent plot, likeable characters, and acting performances that aren’t ridiculous caricatures. Once you strip away the visuals Avatar is nothing more than a meandering, ham-fisted, barely comprehensible mish mash of Fern Gulley, Dances with Wolves, and Starship Troopers, and at no point is as good as any of them (at least Starship Troopers had boobs).
The plot centers around a conflict between cartoonishly evil humans and the Oh-so-in-tune-with-nature Na’vi on the Alien world of Pandora. Sam Worthington plays Jake Sulley, an ex-marine who transmits his mind into an alien body, falls in love with an alien princess named Neytiri and eventually turns against the greedy humans. Now assuming your head is attached at your shoulders and not your sphincter, after reading that paragraph you should be alternately filled with mirth and general feeling psychologists often refer to as “Are You Fucking Kidding Me!?”-itis. This is a playbill for a made for TV movie that plays on the Sci-Fi channel at 3am on a Sunday. A simplistic conflict between unrealistic humans and a scientifically laughable alien race? Check. Giant robots? Check. A shoe-horned love interest? Check. Unnecessary apostrophes in alien names? Check.
This movie was so bad I start to seize up whenever I try to find somewhere to start criticizing it. So I’m just going to start listing things until I run out
First The story drags for the first two hours, with James Cameron apparently believing that dazzling set pieces can make up for having a 13 year-old girl write the dialogue. Am I the only one who gets a distinct image of a little girl in pink designing the Na’vi? “And they are like KITTIES! But BLUE! And…and…like 10 feet tall! AND THEY SPARKLE OMG!!!!”
Second Even when we get to something beyond tired clichés about being in tune with nature, the action (which is admittedly kind of cool) ends with a Deus ex Machina. I’m not sure who keeps putting these into movies, but they really need to be taken out back and shot.
Third The visuals are astounding and revolutionary, but the SCi-Fi battles Cameron crafts with them are so tired and hackneyed I expected Flash Gordon to show up with Buck Rogers and start drinking tea with Robby the Robot from Forbidden Planet only to be interrupted by Darth Vader and Boba Fett.
Fourth James Cameron brags about all the development that went into the world of Pandora and the Na’vi culture. Whoops did I just say “brag”? I meant “shamelessly lie”. The Na’vi are a brazen mix of Naive American and Tribal African stereotypes. Just once I’d like to see a “primitive” civilization in a sci-fi that was Greek, didn’t wear feathers and beads, or didn’t dance to tympani drums while shrieking “KONG! KONG!” I don’t say this because I’m overly-concerned with political correctness; I say it because using the same tropes again and again is goddamn lazy.
Fifth (Spoiler Alert) Glaring plot holes. And not tiny ones either that are easy to ignore. No the entire setup for the climactic battle is so mind-numbingly lame it escapes words. Why, James Cameron, would a bombing run need a simultaneous attack by land? Did the spear-wielding Na’vi have anti-aircraft batteries? Why would you put Sam Worthington’s human-avatar interface (and consequently, his crippled human body) in a vulnerable cabin in the woods and leave no one to guard it? And why, why, why would you do this when ten minutes ago you described a process by which he could permanently migrate his consciousness to the Na’vi body? Why leave the spiritual and military leader of your people in a fragile metal shack in the middle of a battle?
I am going to stop because my blood pressure is starting to cause blackouts. The real question here is, should you see Avatar? Yes. And spend the extra money to see it in 3D and Imax if you can. As much bile as I have for the movie now, while I was watching it I was captivated like a blind man being given sight. Movies of the future will try to look like Avatar, but let’s hope they don’t copy anything else.
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