Blog: leecjaster

Firing up Spread on Netflix Watch Instantly, I had low expectations. It basically tanked critically and financially (making $250,000 in the U.S., and nearly $1 Million globally). But, I was willing to give a try because, well, I thought it would have some good moments. Ashton Kutcher is not a bad actor, has some charm, and I can tolerate Anne Heche for the most part... so I embarked.
 

Within ten minutes, I began to realize that water boarding may not be as bad as watching Spread. I mean, if I had to pay for this in the theaters or renting it on DVD, I may have thrown a hissy fit equivalent to a small child not getting an action figure in Wal-Mart. Thankfully, it was free (except for my time... which is priceless).
 

After the first few minutes of hatred towards the movie, it began to get better. Initially, Kutcher is the guy you want to hate. He has no real goal in life, no job, no home, and he sleeps with a lot of rich women, basically using the relationship for necessities like food, shelter, and clothing. (You can just imagine "that guy from college", you know who I mean, never growing up and never learning his lesson.)
 

Ah, but wait! This is why Spread got good (relatively speaking). After the initial hatred for Kutcher, watching him while he nails two or three different women in the first thirty minutes, things start to go bad. He falls for a girl, a waitress, and he gets blown off initially.
 

Then, per usual, he and the waitress hit it off, and things start going well. (I began to grind my teeth again.) I had to see how it ended at this point though... I was suckered in.
 

Then, the relationship goes sour, and his luck runs dry. Anne Heche kicks him out, his best (and only) friend kicks him out of his life, and his girl runs away someplace. Okay, so then he and the waitress team up in a "gigalo and sidekick" sequence that nearly made me vomit. Apparently the waitress was playing the same game as Kutcher.  I was nearly floored by the ironic plot development (that was sarcasm).
 

Eventually, they fall for each other, and I hate the movie again. Then, she leave him suddenly for New York. Apparently the owner of the NY Rangers is the waitress's latest catch. So, while she contemplates a future with Kutcher, or the owner of the Rangers (tough choice, right), Kutcher decides to get real. He is ready to commit.

So, he hops a plan for NY, finds his girl and proposes. SPOILER ALERT (like you care, you aren't going to watch this anyway, especially not after reading this review)!
 

She then does what every woman in real life would do, she marries Mr. Rangers. Thank God! At least the movie didn't end completely cliche, and I got to see Kutcher punished in some way.
 

So lets recap. Bascially, the movie's only redeeming quality is the fact that in the end, Kutcher gets what he deserves. The problem is, Spread made me realize that there are people out there like this, and they don't get punished. After Spread, I felt like the human race was a gigantic failure, devoid of any ethics, purpose, or meaning in life, and that somehow I was powerless to do anything about it. If you want that feeling too, just watch Spread. 
 

P.S. I am beginning to wonder if I got punked.  (Looks up to the sky.)  Damn you Ashton Kutcher, Damn you!