Blog: leecjaster

Firing up Spread on Netflix Watch Instantly, I had low expectations. It basically tanked critically and financially (making $250,000 in the U.S., and nearly $1 Million globally). But, I was willing to give a try because, well, I thought it would have some good moments. Ashton Kutcher is not a bad actor, has some charm, and I can tolerate Anne Heche for the most part... so I embarked.
 

Within ten minutes, I began to realize that water boarding may not be as bad as watching Spread. I mean, if I had to pay for this in the theaters or renting it on DVD, I may have thrown a hissy fit equivalent to a small child not getting an action figure in Wal-Mart. Thankfully, it was free (except for my time... which is priceless).
 

After the first few minutes of hatred towards the movie, it began to get better. Initially, Kutcher is the guy you want to hate. He has no real goal in life, no job, no home, and he sleeps with a lot of rich women, basically using the relationship for necessities like food, shelter, and clothing. (You can just imagine "that guy from college", you know who I mean, never growing up and never learning his lesson.)
 

Ah, but wait! This is why Spread got good (relatively speaking). After the initial hatred for Kutcher, watching him while he nails two or three different women in the first thirty minutes, things start to go bad. He falls for a girl, a waitress, and he gets blown off initially.
 

Then, per usual, he and the waitress hit it off, and things start going well. (I began to grind my teeth again.) I had to see how it ended at this point though... I was suckered in.
 

Then, the relationship goes sour, and his luck runs dry. Anne Heche kicks him out, his best (and only) friend kicks him out of his life, and his girl runs away someplace. Okay, so then he and the waitress team up in a "gigalo and sidekick" sequence that nearly made me vomit. Apparently the waitress was playing the same game as Kutcher.  I was nearly floored by the ironic plot development (that was sarcasm).
 

Eventually, they fall for each other, and I hate the movie again. Then, she leave him suddenly for New York. Apparently the owner of the NY Rangers is the waitress's latest catch. So, while she contemplates a future with Kutcher, or the owner of the Rangers (tough choice, right), Kutcher decides to get real. He is ready to commit.

So, he hops a plan for NY, finds his girl and proposes. SPOILER ALERT (like you care, you aren't going to watch this anyway, especially not after reading this review)!
 

She then does what every woman in real life would do, she marries Mr. Rangers. Thank God! At least the movie didn't end completely cliche, and I got to see Kutcher punished in some way.
 

So lets recap. Bascially, the movie's only redeeming quality is the fact that in the end, Kutcher gets what he deserves. The problem is, Spread made me realize that there are people out there like this, and they don't get punished. After Spread, I felt like the human race was a gigantic failure, devoid of any ethics, purpose, or meaning in life, and that somehow I was powerless to do anything about it. If you want that feeling too, just watch Spread. 
 

P.S. I am beginning to wonder if I got punked.  (Looks up to the sky.)  Damn you Ashton Kutcher, Damn you!

I haven't been around the blog for a while (le sigh). Honestly, I've been busy writing my weekly series Flicks to Stream here at GotchaMovies.com. I hope you are checking those out! If not, click here for the most recent one.

On to the point! I had so much fun blogging through Alexander that I am going to work my way through the worst movies of all time. Here is the brief list over the next few weeks.

Gigli (my next one)

Troll/Troll 2 (In honor of the movie Best Worst Movie Ever)

Battlefield Earth (just won the Razzie for worst movie of the decade)

Demolition Man (not because it's bad, just because it's... kinda bad, and I want to watch it again)

So stay tuned!  Same blog time, same... eh, that's a tired ending.

2:54: Angelina Jolie as his mom? Miss-casting at its finest.

5: 38 : What is up with this music? Is it stocked-corny from '78?

9:16: Was this shot in '94?

15:22: Ah, we discuss "Man Love".

20:00: Um, why did everyone sudden get a mild Irish accent?

23:50: Val Kilmer says that Alexander should "Never trust women, they are worse than men." Ah the passing of wisdom from father to son.

26:01: I think Antony Hopkins is wearing make-up to make him look OLDER. WTF?

27:02: Think about it... how many blonde guys would you ride into battle behind? Yea...

32:37- I realize that after 30 minutes, nothing has happened, all I have done is laugh and mock the film, and the first battle is about to begin... and I don't care who wins, who Alexander was, or if Oliver Stone ever makes another film again. But we do get a cool shot with the eagle over the army, for like two seconds.

34:39 - Colin Farell telling me to conquer anything other than a Playboy model just seems foolish.

35: 15 - He is still speaking before his arming, that's 3 minutes onscreen. I think the Russell Crowe speech in Gladiator lasted about 25 seconds and accomplished an Oscar.

36:24 - Did they remember to put some contrast on the film's color? It looks like they went outside in California and just shot it, didn't edit it in post production, and thought, "Looks good enough." I feel like the actors will go to the beach later.

36:55 - Seriously, who scored this shit? I'm looking it up.

43:15 - Some guy named Vangelis scored the film. He composed Chariots of Fire, so at one point he didn't suck. Back then he had two names, I guess when you go to 1 you start to suck.... Madonna, JLO, Janet, Justin...

44:38 - Battle scene still going on. Colin Farell yells something and there is a quick zoom in on a distant shadow... wow. Also, Colin Farell is best when he whispers, all he does in this movie is yell... and kinda pout during fighting scenes.

44:44 - I think Colin Farell got drunk just to film his scenes.

45:03 - This is the worst movie ever. I thought it was just a box-office bomb because it was a dissapointment, nope, it is the worst movie ever made. Worse than anything, ever. And there are some really bad ones out there, made for about 10 bucks that are at least "honest".

48:00 - Colin Farell nails his first dude. (His dying friend was suffering so he hammered a nail into the back of his neck.) I bet this won't be the last before the movie ends. Thank god this is the director's cut, which was actually SHORTER than the theatrical version.

48:33 - Oh... flashback. I would have rather seen Oliver stone film himself setting 100 million dollars on fire, at least it would have been shorter, and had more action, certain more chemistry involved.

55:15 - I zone back into the film. After reading the wikipedia article on the film, I realize it was made for 155 million, and only made 34 million in the US. There is also a three hour and 34 minute version of the film called, "Alexander: Seriously?" aka "Alexander: Worse that water-boarding torture" in Great Britain.

55:45 - "Emotionless", yes, that's the word.

1h01: I realize I haven't listened to anything anyone has said since about 10 minutes in. And that damn harp keeps playing.

1h03 - I think they filmed a big poster of a mountain scene, and tried to pass it off as cinematography.

1h04 - I thought Antony Hopkins could read the phone book and make it sound good. I realize that he can read the phone book and make it sound good, but that my analogy was wrong. "The Phone Book" is supposed mean, "the most boring thing ever", apparently the script for Alexander is "the most boring thing ever", and even he can't make that sound good.

1h09 - Just woke up from a nap. Had a terrible dream I was watching Alexander, thank god it was just a... oh crap.

1h13 - I think Jaret Leto and Colin Farell have a lot of chemistry on-screen. Apparently that was actually intentional to the plot. Well done guys.

1h17 - Is that supposed to be Angelina Jolie older? Wow, this make-up artist blows.

1h39 - I realize that the runtime on the film is 167 minutes, which means I have another hour of this... still. I then quickly realize I could return this to the video store, claim it was scratched, and choose another movie to watch. Thus, my blog ends here.

2:54: Angelina Jolie as his mom? Miss-casting at its finest.

5: 38 : What is up with this music? Is it stocked-corny from '78?

9:16: Was this shot in '94?

15:22: Ah, we discuss "Man Love".

20:00: Um, why did everyone sudden get a mild Irish accent?

23:50: Val Kilmer says that Alexander should "Never trust women, they are worse than men." Ah the passing of wisdom from father to son.

26:01: I think Antony Hopkins is wearing make-up to make him look OLDER. WTF?

27:02: Think about it... how many blonde guys would you ride into battle behind? Yea...

32:37- I realize that after 30 minutes, nothing has happened, all I have done is laugh and mock the film, and the first battle is about to begin... and I don't care who wins, who Alexander was, or if Oliver Stone ever makes another film again. But we do get a cool shot with the eagle over the army, for like two seconds.

34:39 - Colin Farell telling me to conquer anything other than a Playboy model just seems foolish.

35: 15 - He is still speaking before his arming, that's 3 minutes onscreen. I think the Russell Crowe speech in Gladiator lasted about 25 seconds and accomplished an Oscar.

36:24 - Did they remember to put some contrast on the film's color? It looks like they went outside in California and just shot it, didn't edit it in post production, and thought, "Looks good enough." I feel like the actors will go to the beach later.

36:55 - Seriously, who scored this shit? I'm looking it up.

43:15 - Some guy named Vangelis scored the film. He composed Chariots of Fire, so at one point he didn't suck. Back then he had two names, I guess when you go to 1 you start to suck.... Madonna, JLO, Janet, Justin...

44:38 - Battle scene still going on. Colin Farell yells something and there is a quick zoom in on a distant shadow... wow. Also, Colin Farell is best when he whispers, all he does in this movie is yell... and kinda pout during fighting scenes.

44:44 - I think Colin Farell got drunk just to film his scenes.

45:03 - This is the worst movie ever. I thought it was just a box-office bomb because it was a dissapointment, nope, it is the worst movie ever made. Worse than anything, ever. And there are some really bad ones out there, made for about 10 bucks that are at least "honest".

48:00 - Colin Farell nails his first dude. (His dying friend was suffering so he hammered a nail into the back of his neck.) I bet this won't be the last before the movie ends. Thank god this is the director's cut, which was actually SHORTER than the theatrical version.

48:33 - Oh... flashback. I would have rather seen Oliver stone film himself setting 100 million dollars on fire, at least it would have been shorter, and had more action, certain more chemistry involved.

55:15 - I zone back into the film. After reading the wikipedia article on the film, I realize it was made for 155 million, and only made 34 million in the US. There is also a three hour and 34 minute version of the film called, "Alexander: Seriously?" aka "Alexander: Worse that water-boarding torture" in Great Britain.

55:45 - "Emotionless", yes, that's the word.

1h01: I realize I haven't listened to anything anyone has said since about 10 minutes in. And that damn harp keeps playing.

1h03 - I think they filmed a big poster of a mountain scene, and tried to pass it off as cinematography.

1h04 - I thought Antony Hopkins could read the phone book and make it sound good. I realize that he can read the phone book and make it sound good, but that my analogy was wrong. "The Phone Book" is supposed mean, "the most boring thing ever", apparently the script for Alexander is "the most boring thing ever", and even he can't make that sound good.

1h09 - Just woke up from a nap. Had a terrible dream I was watching Alexander, thank god it was just a... oh crap.

1h13 - I think Jaret Leto and Colin Farell have a lot of chemistry on-screen. Apparently that was actually intentional to the plot. Well done guys.

1h17 - Is that supposed to be Angelina Jolie older? Wow, this make-up artist blows.

1h39 - I realize that the runtime on the film is 167 minutes, which means I have another hour of this... still. I then quickly realize I could return this to the video store, claim it was scratched, and choose another movie to watch. Thus, my blog ends here.

2000 starts off our decade of reviews. 2000 also could be one of the top years of the decade in terms of film-making. I'll list the movie, then give you some brief reasons to justify my pick. Lets get to it.

The Best: You have to see these.

Almost Famous - This is Cameron Crowe's best film, Kate Hudson is brilliant, and the film allows everyone to see into the life of rockstar, a young free spirit, and a boy searching for himself.

Momento - Okay... IT'S BACKWARDS. Yea, the movie follows a man who has short-term memory loss, and the films runs backwards. After all that, it still works. Gripping, great twist, well done. You won't forget it.

High Fidelity - This could be my favorite dramedy (thats comedy/drama) ever. John Cusack gives his best performance. It's like a romantic comedy for a music lover, but it's more like real life than a Hollywood idea of romance. Plus, Jack Black gave his coming out performance here, and basically, it's his best.

American Psycho - This movie grows on you. When I first watched it, I felt horrified, then I began to laugh. It's just ridiculous how insane Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) is in this movie. Bale is perfect, and the movie must be watched several times to pick up all the allegories to 1980s conformity and greed. Brilliant.

Just for Fun: These may not be amazing works of film, but these "movies" are great, fun, and usually accomplish the exact desired attempt. Don't hate just cause it's not a story about a drug-addict hooker who makes something of herself.

What Women Want - A great concept, Mel Gibson is like-able, it does what you expect.

Meet the Parents - Well, it's a classic. If you haven't seen it, you need to.

O Brother, Where Art Thou - This almost made "the best", but it just falls short. Clooney is brilliant, the references to The Odyssey are cool to pick out, and it has that damn song.

The Patriot - Heath Ledger was great in this movie. Gibson was solid as always, and for whatever reason, the film did just enough to lift it past "one of those war movies".

Miss Congeniality - Don't hate me. It's funny. Sandra Bullock really gives what was her best role as a funny, yet strong woman. Bullock really hits a niche other women can't. Plus, Shatner is hilarious in the movie. "Describe your perfect date?" - "I'd say April 25th, because it's not too hot, not too cold. All you need is a light jacket!"

Noteworthy Absences: They may be your taste, but they aren't mine. Still great films though.

Traffic -It' gritty, full of impact, and the performances were stellar, but something just didn't connect with me enough to really say it was "the best" of the year.

Chocolat -I can't pick much out of this film that was wrong, it just wasn't my style as much as others.

Erin Brockovich -Watch it for Julia Roberts's performance, thats about it.

Cast Away -Same thing! Tom Hanks rocks, it's worth watching once for his work, but the movie doesn't need to be seen again and again, no matter how much TNT thinks so.

The Contender -This one is kinda rough. It's a thriller, but just didn't have something to put it over the top. Joan Allen really gives her best work here though. She's quite underrated as an actress.

Honorable Mention: Somehow these kinda went under the radar. Don't miss them if you have the chance.

Best in Show -Mockumentary! It'll make you smile. It's quirky, quaint, and fantastic. Don't miss it.

Nurse Betty - Any story that combines two hitmen searching for a woman who believes she is a character from a soap opera, has to be pure gold. Well it was. This dark comedy could be right up your alley, if it is, you'll be glad you saw it. It could make its way to your DVD shelf soon.

Thirteen Days -Kevin Costner doesn't suck in this movie. I love KC, but he has done some stinkers. Taking on 13 day in the Cuban Missile Crisis during JFK's term, it keeps you tense, and follows a basically historic tone.

Pollock -Ed Harris gives his best performance ever. The film helps you delve into the mind of an artistic genius. It has a bit of a slow pace, but the payoff is worth it. Take the time to learn about Jackson Pollock, I did, and it made my list.

Requiem For A Dream -Whoa. Whew. It's about drugs, dirrty (two Rs) sex, and relationships. Um, just see it, then attempt to erase the images burned into your mind.

WTF?: (Exactly... WTF! These sucked but got some good reviews!)

Ghost Dog -I thought a modern day samurai movie was going to kick some ass. Well, it turned out to be action-less, full of slow mellow-dramatic moments, and generally boring. Some critics liked it. Maybe I missed a memo somewhere? Don't be fooled.

Now as a final wrap up, let me say that I want to hear what you think! Let me know if I am an idiot and Ghost Dog was a cinematic achievement second only to Casablanca. Also, there are a lot of movies out there, I may have missed some, let me know and I will watch it, and give you my feedback. Hell, make your case and I just may change my list too!