Blog: bretflet

Even when they’re shitty, The Wachowski Brothers are inexplicably entertaining. They could have made a logical sequel to The Matrix, made millions and be heralded as legends. But no, they went batshit crazy and pooped out two sequels that pissed off people more than The Blair Witch Project. You kinda have to respect that.

“Don’t make me think asshole!”

But now the Wachowskis have hit an ultimatum: hit rock bottom like M. Night Shayamalan or create an insane masterpiece. They’re trying option number two with CN9.

CN9 is an acronym for the ninth cranial sensory nerve in the brain. Who knows WTF that means in the actual film but there are a few tidbits being released. CN9 is a hybrid between a faux-documentary supposedly being filmed 100 years in the future and a homosexual love story involving a soldier and an Iraqi citizen.

Undoubtedly, starring Jake Gyllenhaal


Jesse Ventura makes an appearance in a fake interview where he pontificates his real life beliefs about the War on Terror. Ventura describes filming as such:

“They put multicolored dreadlocks on me all the way to here. They gave me this crazy beard that was hanging down pointed, looked like Travolta, right? And they put a third eye in the middle of my forehead. Because what this is, is this is a hundred years in the future, and they wanted me to talk about the current war in Iraq and how I felt about it. And so I got to vent, looking like this maniac in this whole outfit.”

Even in 2110, the 80s will still haunt us

OK, makes no sense, but at least it’s not another remake or reboot. And I'll probably see it anyway. You?

What could be worse than some of the bitter and illiterate reviews on IMDB likely done by creepy 12 year olds?
The future of film criticism right here

How about a racist, mean and completely idiotic "political commentator" manipulating films to fit her insane ideas. Meet Debbie Schlussel. I don't care about her personal politics, but reviewing films by manipulating them to validate racist and just plain stupid ideas is another matter. No matter your politics, you cannot logically defend her movie reviews--at all. Instead of stars, her every review is rated in either positive:

or negative:

No matter if it's Twilight or Toy Story 3--it's all unnecessarily political. And her movie opinions suck. At least 90% of the movies she reviews get Marx ratings because she feels liberal Hollywood only churns out propaganda. Meanwhile, Paul Blart: Mall Cop lands on her Best of 2009 list. She did love Inglourious Basterds, but in a weird, sadistic manner: "the treatment [Nazis] got in this movie is the same way we should treat all of our enemies, but simply don’t have the guts to do so."  

Her review of Precious is a microcosm of her entire catalogue of talents:

Idiocy

"[Precious] glorifies rape, incest, torture, prison life, gang life, prostutition, welfare, and drug-dealing. It’s garbage..." First, whether you hate or love Precious, any logical person knows nothing is glorified at all. It's totally gritty and depressing. Schlussel's plot summary consist of describing the first half-hour and that Precious gets HIV in the end. Nothing about most of the film consisting of Precious going to school and trying to better her life.

Racism

"Leading Black Americans, like Oprah and Tyler Perry, bring Black America this kind of 'culture,' and then Black America blames White America when the Black underclass expands because Black America emulates this lifestyle." I'm speechless...

Humor

"And as I’ve said about Mo’Nique, this celluloid circular file is yet another reason the world needs Less Nique, not Mo’." I'm not kidding when I say this is probably the least hateful thing she's ever said about Mo'Nique. Schlussel is one of those overweight people who hypocritically call others fat. To be fair, she might not be smart enough to notice the irony.

Judgement

"One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, if not THE worst." Yeah, she feels Precious could easily be the worst movie she's ever seen. Here's her actual rating:

I couldn't make this up. Thus, Debbie Schlussel is The Worst Film Critic of All Time. 

There's contention about who's the best modern actor. Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon are probably the biggest, but I'm naming Michael Fassbender. Fassbender has been a Hollywood secret only starting to emerge thanks to his great Scottish spy role in Inglourious Basterds and his much lauded performance in Hunger.

Marks of greatness:

Moustache: check!

You only see his character
Chances are you've seen Fassbender in multiple roles (Band of Brothers, 300) but never knew who he was because he never tried to stick out. He doesn't show off or steal scenes, he just exists. He's a chameleon actor who drastically switches accents, appearances and mannerisms for each role (two times in Basterds).

The "Amazing Weight Change" feat
Ever since Robert De Niro in Raging Bull, any role gaining or losing weight is considered noteworthy. And Fassbender did not disappoint in Hunger, where he lost 40 pounds playing Irish republican hunger striker Bobby Sands.

He's a shoe in for Paris Hilton's biopic.

Awards
OK, so awards aren't everything, but he's got 11 wins and five nominations in prestigious awards for the few films he's done! Once he becomes a bigger star (which he will after Jonah Hex and other popular films) he'll probably rival Jack Nicholson's award record: Won 3 Oscars. Another 64 wins & 47 nominations.

Role selection
"I'm just following my gut instinct," says Fassbender. He has a consistent record of being in small and big films alike--all with great performances.


Funny, I don't see much of a gut for him to follow.

Fun Facts
-Lost lead Pearl Harbor role to Ben Affleck
-Idolizes John Cazale and Tom Selleck
-Loves TV theme songs
-Is a master at making sound effects with his mouth
-Can fluently speak English and German
-Born in Germany, raised in Ireland, lives in England (hence the accent mastery)

 

It's interesting how many people love Mr.T, yet know nothing about him (especially considering how interesting he is).

Why Mr. T name?

Lawrence Tureaud was born May 21, 1952 in a Chicago ghetto where he daily witnessed disrespect toward blacks (including his father who soon left). Growing up and vowing he would be well respected and unpitied, he legally changed his name to ensure everyone would respectfully call him "Mister." As for the "T," it just sounds tuff.

Hairstyle

Mr. T adopted his hairstyle from a picture of a Mandinka warrior he saw while reading National Geographic. Not only did the hair look cool, it helped him express his proud African heritage.

Mr. T always respects the ladies...no matter how old or thieving

Jewelry

After leaving the army, Mr. T became a bouncer. His specialty was picking up jewelry left in the club and, so there was no confrontation inside, he went wait out front for tough guys looking for missing bling. Fortunately, Mr.T resolved conflicts peacefully.

Strict Morality

Mr. T's mother raised him in a strict Christian household that he still values today. In fact, he made sure to never do anything bad to land in jail just so he wouldn't upset his momma. Consequently, Mr. T refuses any criminal roles (though he's been offered good money several times) or even to appear explicitly violent films. Mr. T makes sure any action flick he's in is cartoonish, fun and has a moral lesson. Hence his aversion to the new A-Team  movie.

Singing Career

He's got a point kids

Personal Cereal

Not even Chuck Norris has his own cereal

Tara Reid
  Tara Reid's hotness once commanded $60,000 per appearance, but now she's grateful for $1,500. What happened? Reid tried to have a reality show called Taradise, but it soon collapsed--like everything else in her life--under her over-budget partying. When she went in for her unnecessary boob job and tummy tuck, the surgeon did it wrong and created the Mrs. Quazimodo you see below.

Moral of the story: Boob jobs suck.

Rob Schneider
The last time I heard about Schneider was when he said he would never work with Mel Gibson because of the Jewish tirade (I'm sure Gibson was deeply troubled by Schneider's decision). Yes, he will be in the new film Grown Ups, but it looks so bad he'd be better off unemployed. Rather than sever his career mercifully, Schneider is slowly decomposing in such masterpieces as...

Moral of the story: There's always a new low in life.

Tom Green
Even douche Carson Daily is talented enough to land a TV talk show. Meanwhile, Green has to stream his talk show for free on the internet and pray people will watch. Don't watch him; let evolution take its course...

Moral of the story: Stay in school kids.

Lorenzo Lamas

I had to include one 80s actor! Lamas latest cinematic masterpiece was Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Of course, the movie doesn't work because horrifying man-eating sharks and octopuses engulfing cities are child's play compared to a closeup of Lamas.

Moral of the story: Save money for retirement, or else...

Actors sliding dangerously close to career death:
Haley Joel Osment (a couple a films might save him this year)
Christian Slater (TV's keeping him afloat for now)
Jon Voight (stoppped acting for a full-time crusade against Obama)
Most Scientology actors who spend their talent promoting Xenu rather than acting.